Intrusive thoughts

 

05/02/2023

This week has been hella difficult! For many reasons and the main reason being that I mentally am not coping with my life now. I’m constantly bombarded by the fear of my thoughts and the fact that they are not good enough, that I am not good enough and that I am manifesting all this bullshit! Manifestation and intrusive thoughts are a match made in hell !

Yesterday I was shouting at my cupboard and cursing it for being too small, small here is an understatement - the cupboard was built with hobbit’s in mind. I have one tiny cupboard above my tiny kitchen workspace area, there is no room to prepare food and there is nowhere to store it!

The intrusive thoughts are intensifying with my depressive state. My worst fears are sucking me dry of any joy. Think about your worst fear or something that absolutely disgusts you, now imagine that thought constantly poking and prodding you until you feel like screaming out loud for it to fuck off! Fun, right?

I remember watching a programme once on OCD and how this girl thought that whenever she looked at someone if she looked again and couldn’t see them, she would automatically believe that her mind had placed them in the nearest bin! Completely irrational but that is how the brain of an OCD sufferer works.

There was also this guy who had a serious fear of becoming a paedophile, so much so that he couldn’t even look at photos of his family for fear that he may have an undesirable thought regarding them.

I wonder what manifesting gurus would have to say about these people? Did they manifest this disorder? It’s a genuine question because honestly, I don’t know, and I really wish that I did! I feel like I’m trapped in this cycle forever, too scared to even reveal what my irrational intrusive thoughts are.

So I’m gonna do my best as I always do to annoy the bastards, to block them out by doing something different. Every day I practice yoga, qigong and sometimes meditation (though I find this fucking hard with intrusive thoughts) this usually silences the beast for a brief period and brings some welcome relief. Right now I have no answers but I am constantly searching and I will never give up! So fuck you intrusive thoughts, you will not get the better of me, I know that I am not my mind and that I am more than these chaotic thoughts!